Busy Bee :)

8/28/11
Well it ended up being a pretty good weekend. I can not believe Summer is almost over. Even though we have had some horrible weather, I love summer time! At least when it is hot you can go outside and play in the water. There are just so many different things you can do when it is pretty outside, whether it is hot! I also love Spring and Fall time but it seems like we never have a good spring and fall, the weather is never like it is supposed to be. But o well we cant always complain because at least we are still here to be able to enjoy whatever weather comes our way, right?!
Awe Labor Day weekend.. hoping for some warm but with a nice breeze weather! Not only is it Labor Day weekend but dove season begins Thursday!!  Dove season has been a lot of fun lately. We have been going to Rob & Elishas big dove parties for umm 3 years now I believe and I got to say it is pretty fun to sit back and watch all the drunks! Lol I know I am not right for saying that but it’s the truth! Being since I barely drink I like to sit back and watch well the drama and be glad that I am not acting like that! But this year I will be drinking at least one night because I am sick of always being the DD, so if push comes to shove we will be camping out if we can not drive! Which I don’t plan on being drunk but I do wanna drink, which will prolly be the night they are doing the BIG party ( Saturday). I gotta say they go all out for these parties, Elisha cooks a HUGE WONDERFUL tasting breakfast and Rob cooks a HUGE WONDERFUL lunch! All I can say is I am sooooo glad that I am not the one who has to prepare all this food and have all these people at my house EVERY year! And yes I mean they do this EVERY year and have done it for a long time now! But they enjoy it even if it drives them crazy the whole time! The only thing about this years hunt, Michelle wont be there  She is going to get mom and dads for the weekend! I know that I could go and really would LOVE to go but I wont be able to make it this time but hopefully will be able to the next time! Chell you will be missed you wanch! Have fun spending time with your mom , dad, and riding horses!
We have been talking about camping out for Labor Day weekend, but I really do not know if they will happen because neither of thought about it being dove opening weekend… so we shall see.. which I would love to camp but then again I know the party will also be fun :/ we are kinda in a pickle..

In God I trust!!

August 24,2007 I gave birth to a wonderful beautiful baby girl, Brooklyn Madison. On August 26,2007 she went home with our heavenly father. Even though one year before this I was pregnant and lost our little boy because he was still-born, and I loved him more than ever and always will and losing him hurt very much, losing Brooklyn hurt even more. It is not because I loved one more than the other because that is not the case. I believe it hurt worse because with Justin Wayne when I got to the hospital and we found out that he no longer had a heart beat I knew that I had lost him but with Brooklyn I was gave hope. Even though she was premature, I was 6 ½ months pregnant, I knew that we had a chance of her living. I gave birth to her by c-section at Jackson Regional and she had to go to Jackson General because they have a NIC team. I am so thankful for the people who work at Jackson Gen. on the NIC team. They are so amazing and make you feel like you are at home and treat you baby like they are your own. I wasn’t able to hold my baby girl because that night they took me to my room where I had to lay flat because I just got out of surgery and they brought Brooklyn in but she was in an incubator and we was only allowed to see her for a minute. They had to hurry and take her to Jackson Gen. so she could get the carry she needed.
Even though I was so scared that we was in different hospitals I knew that she was in good hands and her daddy was there with her making sure everything was OK. I had to wait until the next day to be able to go see her because my insurance would not pay for me to leave and go see her without my doctor giving me a 2 hour pass to do so. I knew that these were the rules and plus they had to make sure I could get up and walk around on my own since I had a c-section. I can say waiting for the doctor that day was the longest time ever. All I wanted to do was walk out and go to my baby girl! But once again I knew she was in good hands and her daddy was still with her except when he went home to get our things because we had nothing at all.
When I finally got to go to the hospital that night, Brooklyn was doing well. She was breathing on her own and her vitals were good. Even though everything was going good the nurse warned me that things were going to be good and then go bad and then back to go, that it was going to be like riding a rollercoaster, she was warning me just so I would know what to expect. I was able to go in sit, talk, and hold my baby girls hand. It felt so good to be able to touch my sweet babies skin! You have no idea. Since I was only allowed to stay for 2 hours Justin had to take me back. As soon as I walked into the room my phone was ringing, I answered and my heart dropped… it was the nurse telling me we needed to come back ASAP…. Even though I was not suppose to the nurses gave me another pass and honestly they would not have been able to stop me because something was wrong with my baby and I was going to be there. On the way Justin reminded me about the rollercoaster…
When I walked in and scrubbed off we ran back there ( literally ran) and there we got the BAD news… it was the worse rollercoaster ride ever… they told us that our baby girl had a blood vessel bust in her brain.. I broker down right then and there. They told me that we needed to make a decision about taking her off life support because there was a chance that she could live but she would be mentally handicap and they did not think I should keep her on life support. WELL I am sorry I know they mean well but I did not care whether my baby was fully healthy or if I had to raise a mentally handicap baby, because at least we would still have her. Going back to when I was pregnant with Justin, the doctor told me I had a chance of the baby being born with down-syndrome and she wanted me to abort the baby… Who the hell tells you to abort your child because they would be born with down-syndrome?!!! My blood work when I was 4 months pregnant came back abnormal which made them think this, so they wanted me to retake the test but I REFUSED. And the doctor got upset with me for this but THIS IS MY CHILD NOT YOURS!!! So when the doctor at Jackson Gen. told me I needed to take B off the breathing tube I almost flipped the heck out. Who tells you which child to choose… if I had twins and one was doing great and one was having this problem but could still live but have problems later in life would you pick the healthy child over the not so healthy child? HELL NO!! I know I would not anyways/ There may be people out there who would but NO ME! I had to go back to my hospital about 4 hrs later and told them to keep me informed every 15 mins. I wanted to know everything they were doing at all times! Justin decided to stay with me because I was so upset while his mom and sister stayed with B. At about 6am that morning, 8/26, our phone rang.. it was Justins mom telling us that we needed to come and make a decision. Being since my doctor was not there yet I could not leave. Justin calmed me down and told me he would go talk to them and call me and we could my the decisions together. He called about 30 mins upset… our little girl was dying, her organs were shutting down. This was the hardest decision ever especially since I was not able to be there. They could have waited until I got there but the doctor had told me that our little girl was in pain and I didn’t want my little girl to suffer just because I wanted to be there. Even though it was the hardest thing to do in my life I told Justin to do it. They told Justin he could hold her until she passed but he couldn’t do it.. I wish I would have been able to be there to hold my sweet baby. I understand that he couldn’t because even though he acts like a tough guy he has one of the biggest softest hearts ever, and being his own child dying he just could not do it. Once again, the nurses there are AMAZING! Jennifer, the nurse who had been there ALL night with our baby girl and who was off work, she did not leave when she was supposed to she stayed there and offered to hold our baby until she passed. And Justin called and asked me if that was OK and I agreed.
Anyways, sorry this is so long when I start talkin about all this everything floods out of me. Gosh I miss BOTH my babies SO MUCH!!! How I wish they were here with me and we was having a birthday party tomorrow for my big 4 yr old. Even though I only had Justin in my belly for 5 ½ months and I got to hold him for 20 mins. Even though he was not alive and then carrying Brooklyn for 6 ½ months and being able to be blessed with her for 2 days, I love my babies like they were still here. And I miss them every day! I HATE HATE HATE that I have to go to their grave to celebrate birthdays and holidays or if I just wanna go & be close to them! It SUCKS!!!!
Don’t get me wrong I have all the FAITH possible in GOD, I BELIEVE in GOD, I have HOPE in GOD and more then ever I LOVE GOD! Yes, I will not lie losing our 1st baby I was MAD at God and could not understand why he would do something like that to us when all we wanted was to be parents. I blamed him and even said I hated him, but not long after all that I remembered God does not do things to hurt us and he does everything for a reason. Even though we do not know that reason and never will he still loves us. I can say he tested my faith, hope, believe and love for him and I failed! Even though I went through all that and people kept telling me that I would forgive God and that I needed to read the bible and remember who God was, I thought they were crazy and wanted to say DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT TO ME UNTIL YOU GO THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH! BUT they were right… I know that God has forgiven me for acting the way I did . Even when I lost Brooklyn and my daddy, I still kept my faith, hope, belief and love for GOD. I had someone in my family ask me how I could be so calm when I just lost my daddy. And all I could say was I had already been tested and I totally failed but now I trust God more then ever. I should have never let my grief and anger get that far. And I will never let it again.
If it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t have the life I have, I wouldn’t have been blessed with loving parents, or blessed with the love of my life. God also blessed me with two wonderful beautiful children even though he had to take them home early. The thing I forgot was that God only leans us our kids for us to take care of, that he is their father first and for most. And that God is my father first and for most. He loves us more then anyone, even our parents. God comes first in our lives… I know that my kids are in heaven with our father.
One thing I was told by my pastor, Brother David Reeves, God needed our babies more then we did, he needed beautiful angels to help with his rose bushes.
Philippians 1:3-4 I thank God upon every remembrance of you. Always in every prayer of mine for you all making request with joy!

Plain week day and weekend= a GREAT one!

Well I can say I had a pretty darn good week and weekend! The weather was actually really nice this week/weekend! Awe so nice lol. We really didn’t do much over the weekend, just the usual. We hung out at Rob and Elishas, Friday night, Brandi and jerry came out which was nice seeing them  And we also cooked out steaks. I don’t believe I have mentioned this but I have finally decided to do what I have been wanting to do for awhile and so far everyone I have told as pretty much looked at me like I was stupid and told me not to do it, getting MY NOSE PIERCED…. I can say that my bestest best friend is one of the people who told me to do what I wanted, even when I am sure she thinks I am crazy lol but still she is standing beside me with whatever I wanna do! And of course, my momma told me she will love me regardless and is also taking me to get it done I am pretty excited because I have always wanted to get it done but have always backed down from telling people because I thought they would judge me, which most do, but ya know what I DON’T CARE! I am doin ME not someone else. Another person that I thought would try to talk me out of it actually surprised me and offered to do it for me (because she did hers when she was younger, which I didn’t know lol)! Brandi King, I love you for standing beside me in this but HELL NO I aint letting you do it for me, you crazy girl! Anyways.. new subject
The rest of the weekend was good too. Saturday, I hung around the house doing my school work and being lazy and then finally went to the camp. It didn’t start out good there but ended up being a great night. I actually learned something new, haha, POKER! (Thanks April, Edie & RC) I never thought I would like poker. I have played a little at the casino but where deuces are wild and honestly did not know wth I was doing but always did pretty good with Justin or Sashas help. BUT turns out I LOVED learning and actually caught on pretty damn quick and came out good once we started playing for a little money ;) It actually was not that hard to learn but harder to figure out when to bet and when not to, or who was bluffing and who actually had a good hand. But in the end I figured out how to do it all, even the bluffing. The only person who could see straight through me was Chell lol, evey time I got a good hand I just could not hold in my excitement like I thought I was haha… but I finally figured out how to bluff everyone else but her. So that night turned out good 
And then today, Sunday, the day I have been looking forward too. Michelle, Megan, Will and Lucas met up at the movies so we could SMURF it!! This was my first time going to the movies with kids and it was their first time at the movies and it turned out a lot better than I thought it would! Will & Luc did so good, even though they had to go potty 4 different times… other than that they did awesome! They tickled me starting out all they did was talk about Papa Smurf, wheres Papa Smurf… we kind of got there 20 mins early so they was wondering when the movie came on. And they quietly sat there watching the movie until something funny happened or when something sad would be happening, Luc would sit over there and go awwweee, too cute lol! Yes, there was a few times where they talked saying, “when is this over with or I am ready to go or I like this movie” but hey they are kids and did what any normal 4 and 3 year old would do! Anyways, it turned out to be a good time! WE TOTALLY SMURFED THAT SMURF! Lol I don’t think I am goin to get sick of the “smurfing” word… sounds better then cuss words…
Ok I am done babbling on about my boring weekend :) Have a nice week!

*Family & wonderful weather!

11:42 PM

Today I attended my nephews birthday party. Gosh, its hard to believe he turned 3 Saturday. He reminds me so much of his pawpaw, my dad. And I gotta say he is one adorable little boy and will be a big heart breaker when he gets older lol. The other day I wrote about the pain I went through when losing my child but today I as I sat there watching my nephews play I realized something. Even though my babies are not here on earth I still have babies- Brianna, Dale, Will and Lucas. I may not be their parents but I am the new best thing, their aunt. I love these kids with all of my heart and cherish every moment I have with them. I can say my family has been blessed with these silly, bratty, beautiful, cute, and WONDERFUL kids. I always sit back and think what if that was my kid, look at how beautiful, cute or smart they would be but truth is they are my kids because I am their aunt. Being an aunt is a true blessing and huge honor.

Anyways, I hate that I will not be able to attend our family bday party for Lucas, the one Billy is throwing, but I am glad that I was able to attend the one for him today. I am sure that some people may be a little upset with me about it but I cant help that. I would come to Luc's party if I could but its at 7 and Justin gets home late now with this new job and it worn out. Yes, I could go with out him but then supper would not be cooked and everything else wouldn’t get done and by the time I got home he would be asleep or fixing to go to sleep and I wouldn’t have time with him. We only get a little bit of time together during the week now since he gets home so late, so this time with him means everything to me.


On another note, the weather was awesome this weekend. I am so glad that it is finally starting to cool off even if it is just a few degrees (knock on wood). So I spent the weekend spending time with Justin and friends enjoying the weather! We also attended a wedding reception, congratulations to Amber & Jeremy!

Best Friends!

This post is to my best friend. I just want you to know that even though we have had our times were we wanted to choke each other, which outta 6 years I believe we have only had 2 BIG fights lol, I want you to know that I love you just like a sister. I have had best friends before but never one like you. You incourage me all the time. If I am doing something that you think I shouldnt be doing you are still there for me, after you state your point. I am lucky to have someone like you in my life. When I had my little girl you was there the entire time and never left. Even though you was not able to be my side the entire time you still never left. You will never know how much you being here for me really means the world. I cant even express it in words. I just want you to know that no matter what I will always be here for you. Your not just my best friend you are family. Heck you even go to my family get togethers for me when Justin cant. I dont know any other person who would want to go to a childs bday party just because I ask them to. But you do everytime no matter what. I love how we have our lunch and movie dates pretty much every Saturday. We do more together then me and my own sister. To me you will not only be my best friend forever but you will also be considered my sister forever.(i think i already said that but I had to say it again)I love you Chell! Your the best ever!!

*Life

Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living."

August 1,2006 I gave birth to a wonderful little boy, the only thing was he was still born. I have been putting off writing this because well as you can see it really upsets me. Even though I was only able to carry him in my stomach for 5 1/2 months I still loved this little boy with all my heart. We was going to name him Colton Lamar, because Justin as always wanted a little boy named this, but since we lost him I decided I wanted to name him after Justin. Therefore, his name is Justin Wayne (the middle name is my dead uncles name that I never got to meet). It's weird to know that my baby boy would have been 5 years old. He would have been starting school. Gosh, time sure does fly, doesn’t it. It would have been such a great day to celebrate. Turning 1,5,16, and 18 are the special ages. Its hard to know that I will never be able to celebrate any of them birthdays with my sweet little baby. I miss him every day.

When I first lost our little boy I blamed everyone including myself. I turned to drinking, which if you know me then you know that I am NOT a drinker, I started drinking a 5th of crown a day. And yes, I drank every last bit of it by myself. I guess I just felt like it numbed the pain when it really did not. I drink every now and then now but I do not get drunk, I just occasionally have a drink here and there. Everyone, especially my family was so surprised that I was becoming a drunk. But I didn’t know what else to do to get rid of the pain. It was causing problems between Justin and I. Lets just say when I drink dark whiskey I become VERY mean, or should I say a BITCH. I was about to lose everything in my life, which was Justin. Justin and I was fighting non stop and when I was drunk I was saying mean things to him like it was his fault that we lost our baby, which it was NOT his fault at all. I regret turning to drinking and will never do that again. I finally stopped drinking, which was not hard at all because I never liked it to begin with.
Prayer List
______________
a. Lucy Krull
b. My Uncle Mike- While on vacation he fell and broke his hip. He has been falling a lot here lately and has to take some kind of shot everyday in his stomach so he does not form blood clots.
c. For the 31 soldiers we lost and their families, I thank God everyday that we have wonderful brave heros fighting for us. And I am also thankful for their families that allow their husband or wife to fight for us. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
d. Pray for yourself and your family and all your loved ones :)

Anyways, each birthday gets easier. I am not saying that the pain goes away because trust me it never goes away. To me your children are suppose to bury their parents not the other way around. I know that God does everything for a reason and I am not going to lie I was very mad at God. I could not understand why he wouldn’t let me be a parent. All I want is to be a mom. I know that I am still considered a mom and Justin a dad but its not the same. It hurts that on Mother's day I never get told Happy Mothers Day. I mean yes my babies are deceased but come on I am STILL a mom! I can say that I do have special people in my life like my lovely husband, best friend Michelle and my mom that still tell me Happy Mothers Day, and honestly that’s all that matters. Others my be scared to tell me happy mothers day because they do not want to hurt my feelings but truly it would make me feel good. I am not writing this to make ppl feel sorry for me. I am just writing this because well this is my blog and I can write what I want and it helps getting all my feelings out and sometimes I just cant stop the flow of my words.

Please don’t think that I am trying to have a poor ol' me pity party because I am NOT!

On another note, I want to talk about little Lucy Krull, which is a 5 yr. old who is battling cancer. If you have read any of my other post then you already know about this. She is currently doing chemo. I can honestly say, even though I do not know this sweet baby girl, she is one heck of a fighter! Even though I have lost 2 babies and have been through the worse pain ever with that, I could not imagine having my 5 year old battling cancer. She wrote not long ago that she has days where she questions God's motive. I can say that I do not blame her. I know that she as all the faith in the world in God, you can tell by her post, but I can understand wanting to ask why are you doing this to my baby girl. All I can say is God has a reason for EVERYTHING! He does not do anything to hurt us. I believe that he does it to make you stronger, to see how much faith you have and sometimes to show some kind of point, and many more reasons that are unknown. All I know that I will continue to pray for Lucy and her family. Not even knowing her just reading about her struggles with cancer will make you love her without knowing her. So I ask please pray for her.