In God I trust!!

August 24,2007 I gave birth to a wonderful beautiful baby girl, Brooklyn Madison. On August 26,2007 she went home with our heavenly father. Even though one year before this I was pregnant and lost our little boy because he was still-born, and I loved him more than ever and always will and losing him hurt very much, losing Brooklyn hurt even more. It is not because I loved one more than the other because that is not the case. I believe it hurt worse because with Justin Wayne when I got to the hospital and we found out that he no longer had a heart beat I knew that I had lost him but with Brooklyn I was gave hope. Even though she was premature, I was 6 ½ months pregnant, I knew that we had a chance of her living. I gave birth to her by c-section at Jackson Regional and she had to go to Jackson General because they have a NIC team. I am so thankful for the people who work at Jackson Gen. on the NIC team. They are so amazing and make you feel like you are at home and treat you baby like they are your own. I wasn’t able to hold my baby girl because that night they took me to my room where I had to lay flat because I just got out of surgery and they brought Brooklyn in but she was in an incubator and we was only allowed to see her for a minute. They had to hurry and take her to Jackson Gen. so she could get the carry she needed.
Even though I was so scared that we was in different hospitals I knew that she was in good hands and her daddy was there with her making sure everything was OK. I had to wait until the next day to be able to go see her because my insurance would not pay for me to leave and go see her without my doctor giving me a 2 hour pass to do so. I knew that these were the rules and plus they had to make sure I could get up and walk around on my own since I had a c-section. I can say waiting for the doctor that day was the longest time ever. All I wanted to do was walk out and go to my baby girl! But once again I knew she was in good hands and her daddy was still with her except when he went home to get our things because we had nothing at all.
When I finally got to go to the hospital that night, Brooklyn was doing well. She was breathing on her own and her vitals were good. Even though everything was going good the nurse warned me that things were going to be good and then go bad and then back to go, that it was going to be like riding a rollercoaster, she was warning me just so I would know what to expect. I was able to go in sit, talk, and hold my baby girls hand. It felt so good to be able to touch my sweet babies skin! You have no idea. Since I was only allowed to stay for 2 hours Justin had to take me back. As soon as I walked into the room my phone was ringing, I answered and my heart dropped… it was the nurse telling me we needed to come back ASAP…. Even though I was not suppose to the nurses gave me another pass and honestly they would not have been able to stop me because something was wrong with my baby and I was going to be there. On the way Justin reminded me about the rollercoaster…
When I walked in and scrubbed off we ran back there ( literally ran) and there we got the BAD news… it was the worse rollercoaster ride ever… they told us that our baby girl had a blood vessel bust in her brain.. I broker down right then and there. They told me that we needed to make a decision about taking her off life support because there was a chance that she could live but she would be mentally handicap and they did not think I should keep her on life support. WELL I am sorry I know they mean well but I did not care whether my baby was fully healthy or if I had to raise a mentally handicap baby, because at least we would still have her. Going back to when I was pregnant with Justin, the doctor told me I had a chance of the baby being born with down-syndrome and she wanted me to abort the baby… Who the hell tells you to abort your child because they would be born with down-syndrome?!!! My blood work when I was 4 months pregnant came back abnormal which made them think this, so they wanted me to retake the test but I REFUSED. And the doctor got upset with me for this but THIS IS MY CHILD NOT YOURS!!! So when the doctor at Jackson Gen. told me I needed to take B off the breathing tube I almost flipped the heck out. Who tells you which child to choose… if I had twins and one was doing great and one was having this problem but could still live but have problems later in life would you pick the healthy child over the not so healthy child? HELL NO!! I know I would not anyways/ There may be people out there who would but NO ME! I had to go back to my hospital about 4 hrs later and told them to keep me informed every 15 mins. I wanted to know everything they were doing at all times! Justin decided to stay with me because I was so upset while his mom and sister stayed with B. At about 6am that morning, 8/26, our phone rang.. it was Justins mom telling us that we needed to come and make a decision. Being since my doctor was not there yet I could not leave. Justin calmed me down and told me he would go talk to them and call me and we could my the decisions together. He called about 30 mins upset… our little girl was dying, her organs were shutting down. This was the hardest decision ever especially since I was not able to be there. They could have waited until I got there but the doctor had told me that our little girl was in pain and I didn’t want my little girl to suffer just because I wanted to be there. Even though it was the hardest thing to do in my life I told Justin to do it. They told Justin he could hold her until she passed but he couldn’t do it.. I wish I would have been able to be there to hold my sweet baby. I understand that he couldn’t because even though he acts like a tough guy he has one of the biggest softest hearts ever, and being his own child dying he just could not do it. Once again, the nurses there are AMAZING! Jennifer, the nurse who had been there ALL night with our baby girl and who was off work, she did not leave when she was supposed to she stayed there and offered to hold our baby until she passed. And Justin called and asked me if that was OK and I agreed.
Anyways, sorry this is so long when I start talkin about all this everything floods out of me. Gosh I miss BOTH my babies SO MUCH!!! How I wish they were here with me and we was having a birthday party tomorrow for my big 4 yr old. Even though I only had Justin in my belly for 5 ½ months and I got to hold him for 20 mins. Even though he was not alive and then carrying Brooklyn for 6 ½ months and being able to be blessed with her for 2 days, I love my babies like they were still here. And I miss them every day! I HATE HATE HATE that I have to go to their grave to celebrate birthdays and holidays or if I just wanna go & be close to them! It SUCKS!!!!
Don’t get me wrong I have all the FAITH possible in GOD, I BELIEVE in GOD, I have HOPE in GOD and more then ever I LOVE GOD! Yes, I will not lie losing our 1st baby I was MAD at God and could not understand why he would do something like that to us when all we wanted was to be parents. I blamed him and even said I hated him, but not long after all that I remembered God does not do things to hurt us and he does everything for a reason. Even though we do not know that reason and never will he still loves us. I can say he tested my faith, hope, believe and love for him and I failed! Even though I went through all that and people kept telling me that I would forgive God and that I needed to read the bible and remember who God was, I thought they were crazy and wanted to say DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT TO ME UNTIL YOU GO THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH! BUT they were right… I know that God has forgiven me for acting the way I did . Even when I lost Brooklyn and my daddy, I still kept my faith, hope, belief and love for GOD. I had someone in my family ask me how I could be so calm when I just lost my daddy. And all I could say was I had already been tested and I totally failed but now I trust God more then ever. I should have never let my grief and anger get that far. And I will never let it again.
If it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t have the life I have, I wouldn’t have been blessed with loving parents, or blessed with the love of my life. God also blessed me with two wonderful beautiful children even though he had to take them home early. The thing I forgot was that God only leans us our kids for us to take care of, that he is their father first and for most. And that God is my father first and for most. He loves us more then anyone, even our parents. God comes first in our lives… I know that my kids are in heaven with our father.
One thing I was told by my pastor, Brother David Reeves, God needed our babies more then we did, he needed beautiful angels to help with his rose bushes.
Philippians 1:3-4 I thank God upon every remembrance of you. Always in every prayer of mine for you all making request with joy!