*Life

Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living."

August 1,2006 I gave birth to a wonderful little boy, the only thing was he was still born. I have been putting off writing this because well as you can see it really upsets me. Even though I was only able to carry him in my stomach for 5 1/2 months I still loved this little boy with all my heart. We was going to name him Colton Lamar, because Justin as always wanted a little boy named this, but since we lost him I decided I wanted to name him after Justin. Therefore, his name is Justin Wayne (the middle name is my dead uncles name that I never got to meet). It's weird to know that my baby boy would have been 5 years old. He would have been starting school. Gosh, time sure does fly, doesn’t it. It would have been such a great day to celebrate. Turning 1,5,16, and 18 are the special ages. Its hard to know that I will never be able to celebrate any of them birthdays with my sweet little baby. I miss him every day.

When I first lost our little boy I blamed everyone including myself. I turned to drinking, which if you know me then you know that I am NOT a drinker, I started drinking a 5th of crown a day. And yes, I drank every last bit of it by myself. I guess I just felt like it numbed the pain when it really did not. I drink every now and then now but I do not get drunk, I just occasionally have a drink here and there. Everyone, especially my family was so surprised that I was becoming a drunk. But I didn’t know what else to do to get rid of the pain. It was causing problems between Justin and I. Lets just say when I drink dark whiskey I become VERY mean, or should I say a BITCH. I was about to lose everything in my life, which was Justin. Justin and I was fighting non stop and when I was drunk I was saying mean things to him like it was his fault that we lost our baby, which it was NOT his fault at all. I regret turning to drinking and will never do that again. I finally stopped drinking, which was not hard at all because I never liked it to begin with.
Prayer List
______________
a. Lucy Krull
b. My Uncle Mike- While on vacation he fell and broke his hip. He has been falling a lot here lately and has to take some kind of shot everyday in his stomach so he does not form blood clots.
c. For the 31 soldiers we lost and their families, I thank God everyday that we have wonderful brave heros fighting for us. And I am also thankful for their families that allow their husband or wife to fight for us. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE
d. Pray for yourself and your family and all your loved ones :)

Anyways, each birthday gets easier. I am not saying that the pain goes away because trust me it never goes away. To me your children are suppose to bury their parents not the other way around. I know that God does everything for a reason and I am not going to lie I was very mad at God. I could not understand why he wouldn’t let me be a parent. All I want is to be a mom. I know that I am still considered a mom and Justin a dad but its not the same. It hurts that on Mother's day I never get told Happy Mothers Day. I mean yes my babies are deceased but come on I am STILL a mom! I can say that I do have special people in my life like my lovely husband, best friend Michelle and my mom that still tell me Happy Mothers Day, and honestly that’s all that matters. Others my be scared to tell me happy mothers day because they do not want to hurt my feelings but truly it would make me feel good. I am not writing this to make ppl feel sorry for me. I am just writing this because well this is my blog and I can write what I want and it helps getting all my feelings out and sometimes I just cant stop the flow of my words.

Please don’t think that I am trying to have a poor ol' me pity party because I am NOT!

On another note, I want to talk about little Lucy Krull, which is a 5 yr. old who is battling cancer. If you have read any of my other post then you already know about this. She is currently doing chemo. I can honestly say, even though I do not know this sweet baby girl, she is one heck of a fighter! Even though I have lost 2 babies and have been through the worse pain ever with that, I could not imagine having my 5 year old battling cancer. She wrote not long ago that she has days where she questions God's motive. I can say that I do not blame her. I know that she as all the faith in the world in God, you can tell by her post, but I can understand wanting to ask why are you doing this to my baby girl. All I can say is God has a reason for EVERYTHING! He does not do anything to hurt us. I believe that he does it to make you stronger, to see how much faith you have and sometimes to show some kind of point, and many more reasons that are unknown. All I know that I will continue to pray for Lucy and her family. Not even knowing her just reading about her struggles with cancer will make you love her without knowing her. So I ask please pray for her.