If Heaven Wasnt So Far Away.. something I think about every day!

I miss my daddy EVERY day. I miss my babies EVERY day! But today I am missing them even more for some odd reason. I know that they are in heaven looking down on me and my family. I would just give anything in the world to be able to hold, hug, kiss and talk to them one more time. You know when you grow up you really don’t realize all the time you wasted by not picking up the phone or just driving an hour away to go see someone. Until they are gone. I was always my daddys little girl and I always will be even though he is not here. I know that he knows that I regret letting so much time pass and not coming to see him like I should have and I know that he forgives me for it but I am really kicking myself hard for this. I was the child that had always made my parents proud and then when I turned 18 I decided I didn’t need to listen or be around them as often. Yes, I still needed my parents at times and honestly I needed them more then I knew.

We never had the perfect picture family life but what we did have was love. And to me that is all you need. My dad was FAR from perfect but the one thing I knew then and I still know is that he would have given his life for us at anytime of the day no matter what for, and for that I am grateful and LUCKY! I miss the scattered phone conversations we use to have, I wish I could have one more phone call with him. But I cant. All I have left are memories, good and bad.

The thing is dad isnt the only person I wish I could see right now or any other day. Even though I only had a short time with them and yes I do mean a very short time, I miss my kids. I know that God only lends us everyone for a short time and some for a longer time, I wish he would have let me keep Justin & Brooklyn a little longer. For some reason that I have NO idea about he needed them more then we did and I understand that. I know that they are in a much better place but it does not make it any easier- I still miss them. Ever since we have lost our babies we have prayed for another one, a child that we can have the honor of raising , loving and caring for until God needs them back with him. Even though that has yet to happen I still pray for it and wish for it. But God will hopefully answer my prayers soon. He is the only person who can answer them and I have full faith that he will one day! Yes, even though I have lost two I still have faith that he will allow me to "borrow" one of his children to call as my own. For now I know that I am lucky to be healthy, have my momma, brother, sister, nieces and nephews, and the love of my life with me everyday. I have also been blessed with a wonderful 2nd family, that to me are pretty darn awesome. This is why I keep the faith because I know that GOD IS GREAT, just in his own way!

Babies

Well when Justin got off work we decided to go to Mitchell and Erins. I have not been able to go see Erin and sweet little baby Jaelyn since she was born. All I can say is that is one BEAUTIFUL little girl and not fussy at all. The only thing is holding that sweet baby made me realize even more how bad I am waiting a baby of my own. I was lucky enough to be pregnant twice, even though they are in heaven I still thank God for allowing me to be able to carry my two wonderful gifts in my belly even if it was for a short time. And allowing me to be able to hold Justin in my arms and Brooklyns tiny hands and touch her soft skin for a short while. BUT even though God gave me those two gifts I would still like to be an actual momma soon. I know that God will grant us with a baby when he is ready but honestly I wish he was ready NOW. There is nothing else in this world that I want and that is to be a momma. To be able to hold, love and take care of my child every day until the day I join my other babies in heaven. Anyways sorry I am being a downer in this post but it is just how I am feeling right now. I just do not understand how people who dont even wanna be parents are allowed to have kids and they do not even take care of them, rape, abuse and murder them when there are people like us who would give anything to be able to have our babies here with us every day. I know that things happen for a reason and that it is Gods will and plans but I wish he could just set out a plan for us to be able to be parents. Yes, we are parents because we do have two babies but it just isnt the same..

Summer Lovin'

OK_

so the last time I wrote was on 4th of July. I was kinda mad that we was once again this year not able to camp out at the ferry. BUT even though we was not able to do something that we always have done since we got together, it ended up being an AWESOME holiday! We always miss Justin’s family cookout but this year we made it. I love his family and spending time with them as much as possible so I really enjoyed that. Also the day before, Sunday, we was on the river all day with Sas & Johnny & House & Michelle & Peewee. It turned out to be a really great Sunday and I really enjoyed it! Also something new instead of doing fireworks and camping we spent the nights at a friends house doing fireworks, cook out and drinking so that was a first and a great time! Anyways, we have been spending Sunday on the river with Sas & Johnny since beginning of Summer which has been awesome! All together I can say we have had one GREAT SWEET SUMMMMERTIME!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------On another note, when Justin and I got together almost 6 years ago ( it will be 6 years July 28th  ) he was cutting timber and had stopped doing that and started working with his best friend. Well, a few years later he wanted to go back to cutting timber and I had talked him out of it well because to be honest it scares the shit outta me! What do you expect? He is the love of my life, my best friend and soul mate and I was scared because timber cutting is the second most dangerous job in the USA. Well, needless to say he started cutting timber again about 3 weeks ago. I know that he loves it but gosh it really scares me. Especially when he comes home and tells me that a tree almost got him. You gotta understand, not to brag about my bragger, but Justin is a DAMN GOOD timber cutter, I am not just saying that because he is my husband but I have heard the people he use to cut for brag and bet money on him, and it scares me when something goes wrong. But Ive excepted that whether he is cutting timber or working at Burger King flipping burgers, if it is his time then God is going to take him no matter what. And I have faith that God is watching over him everyday! If there is one thing we believe in then that would be God and I fully put my life and Justin’s life in his hands every day! Anyways, just please keep him in your prayers that he goes to and returns home every day safely. (Thanks) Well its 2 am and I wanna put pictures on here so I am going to stop at least for now! 

4th of July wkend

Once again Justin & I have been together almost 6 yrs and every year that we've been together we have ALWAYS camped out on the holidays well not this year. We've missed Memorial Day & now the 4th of July. It really sucks that we are breaking our tradition but I know its for a good reason... WORK... We will still ride the river Sunday and maybe Monday if we don't go to a family cook out. Which I think we will go to the cook out bc his mom and fam ask us every year but since we r always camping we never go so this year may be different but it'll still be a blast bc we will be together :) So tomorrow, well today, while he's at work imma hang out at the pool with the grls for the first time this year! I am usually soaking up the sun and dark as hell by this time of the year but this year I've been slacking LOL. Anyways I hope everyone enjoys their holiday because I know I will be. Ill be throwing by some drinks, who'd no one freak out its my first wkend in a year that I've drank. I think I deserve it :) Pictures and updates later!

Prayer list : We had a friends little niece get raped about two wks ago so pray she heals and they catch the rat who did this to a precious cold.
Lucy Krull which is from Covington has cancer and has been fitting it since February she just started chemotherapy so pray her little body adjust to everything and God heals her!
Another friends wife who recently had colon cancer is sick & they don't know why so pray they find it fight it and she's sent home healed!
Last, pray for all the unknown prayers and for anyone else and everyone else bc I know I will be!