God

As I was sittting here looking at the blank screen thinking of how to write everything I have been feeling the last few days I figured I better just tell the truth so that I will have something to look back on.. This past weekend I got drunk, everything was going good until I seen Krisi which is 6 months pregnant. Its like everything hit me at once and I am sure since I was drunk this is the only reason why I let it hit me so hard.. I have these feelings every time I see a pregnant person or someone who just had a baby, etc. but I am never drunk when thinking about all this therefore it hit me in a different way. All I wanted to do was cry. I honestly did not want to talk about it but thats kind of hard to do when you are drunk and when Justin is sitting there yelling at me wondering wtf is wrong. I started telling him what was wrong, I have never really talked about my feelings with justin or anyone else about my babies because I feel like it is no ones business, not to be mean. Its like I do not want them to share my memories of my babies with me. I do not know why I feel this way I just do.. So the point of this tonight is to get out exactly how I have been feeling even though I kinda dont want to but I am going to make myself. I understand that I was JUST pregnant twice to some people but the thing is to me I have memories that people will never be able to understand. No, I do not have memories have running, playing, hugging, kissing, teaching, or talking to my children but to me I still have OUR memories. I was the one who was supposed to be keeping my babies safe because they were in MY belly not someone elses. I sometimes feel like it is my fault bc I did not protect them the way I should have. Yes, I know that it is not my fault but sometimes it helps being able to blame losing them bc of me. Anyways, our memories: I was the one who was keeping them safe, I was still the one who was feeding them even though it is different the actually feeding them, I felt EVERY time they moved. I am the one who knows when they were going to move, which were always on schedule. Justin always moved in the morning times and at night when I first layed down. He didnt move that much though and I am sure that would have prolly changed if I would have carried him a little longer than 5 months. Hm Brooklyn, oh she was so different. I swear she would have been a soccer player or something like that lol. She moved pretty much all the time but she def. moved at night or as soon as I would sit down. I remember telling my momma about this and she said it was because when I walked or was standing up my movement would put her to sleep but when I was to sit down or was to lay down at night she would be waking up and ready to move and she was right. I can say this ALMOST saved her.. what I mean by this was I KNEW something was wrong when I woke up on 08-24-06 at 5:30am and did not feel her move. For the first part of the morning I just figured she was being "lazy" but then I really got worried because  I hadnt felt her move at all. I remember telling Mr.Donald about it and he told me to go get ready and he would talk me to the hospital, even though we wasnt for sure if anything was wrong. Soon as I started to get ready I felt her move but it wasnt like she usually did and then I started bleeding. Hm.. enough about that I just cannot bring myself to really talk about all that. With both Justin and Brooklyn i remember little things even though I only got to see them for such a short time. Justin my sweet baby boy had his daddys ears, one big one which is was the left just like his daddy, or should I say the whole Peterson clan. I will never forget touching him and holding him which is something I regret with Brooklyn. I got to touch Brooklyn, kiss her, take pictures heck I even have a picture of me and her (I wish I had one with Justin or even just a pic of him but I couldnt bring myself to take one) but I never got to hold Brooklyn. I wish i was the one who was holding her when she was being sent to heaven but I wasnt, heck I wasnt even there! That is one thing that I will regret for the rest of my life, I jsut dont know why I didnt tell the nurses to back off that I was going!
Anyways: I have an old friend from school, Tori Suggs (Turner) who gave birth to her premature little boy March 5,2012. I wish I could take that pain away from her. No one and I do mean no one deserves to feel this kind of pain. I know that it is different to some bc they are like the baby wasnt actually here so it shouldnt be that hard on someone but it really is. Ppl do not understand that we hurt just like any other momma would hurt when losing their child but we hurt in a different way just like they do. Talking from my experience: I was so ready to be a momma, both times, and when you lose that baby it feels like that chanced was ripped away from you. It makes you think that something was wrong with you when in truth there really wasnt. I didnt understand the first time this happened to me but I understood the second time and really understand more at this moment. I know that God didnt do it to me to hurt me in any kind of way. I know that he loves me and wouldnt put anything on me that I couldnt handle. No, I do not understand why he had to take both of them but I do know that I put all my trust, faith, love, and hope in God and that I always will! I know that I will always be strong and be able to handle anything and everything bc God gives me this strength, without him I would not be strong and prolly wouldnt be where I am today. Thank you God!